okay.
here's my understanding of this
I had tried to understand why I am the way I am. Why I am where I am and it seems very complicated and we are all wanting me to be at a different spot in my life yada yada.
we feel that reiki would be good for me.
So fist off we know that this is very itchy.
that I guess I have been itching to be at a different point in my life.
We look on the past with anger and we wonder who to blame.
It is, very interesting to consider what exactly it was specifically that made into a transsexual.
So looking at the question I would have to say it was complicated. Infact you would need Quantum mechanics to completely describe. which I'll explain in a moment.
but it seems as though it spawns from multiple sources at once.
one of the original theories places me as a women in a former life, whom was rapped and had difficult relationships with men. So it would seem strange to think that is what I came back to do.
The Theory was that I wanted to prove that a woman would be a better man. showing up on the scene as a sensitive man things appeared not to go as planned and lead me back to womanhood. That was an original theory.
but also a theory was I got confused at the baby sitters as they dressed me up ect confusing me.
another that you over mother me and Dad under fathered me.
another that I was confused sexually cause of what happened with you and Dad with ~>(tape2)
Of course lets not forget the little penis theory.
Interestingly my past life memory I had a strange spiritual guru who I was trying to figure out some information (somesort of enlightenment) He said If I let him fuck me in my ass he would tell me. So I let him fuck me in my ass but he would not tell me. Instead he said that I should let him fuck me again and that this would unlock the knowledge that I seeked.
So for me it seems really interesting that on new years I got fucked by that guy with the big dick and it finally came to me the realization that my penis size if not was the cause of my woe with women than at the very least a significant contributor.
you still maybe wondering how women would even know what under there? I say I unconsciously knew my dick was too small and couldn't exude the type of confidence necessary to attract women.
trying all the stuff from this guy and david D it started to help yet I got the ticket with the cops
after I crashed my car 
I did what I had to do to have sex with that girl and it felt like I was getting away with a crime.
and so did the police. So did the universe seem to think it was a crime for me to ever experince any pleasure. I fell into a depression with horrible things I can not speak.
it was as though everything had fallin place
because just as I discovered techniques to pick up women the only thing to pick me up out of my depression was to become one.
So looking back on all this today with a paranoid conspiracy mind that too me it looks like some sort of strange conspiracy. what do I mean by that? it looks as though everything came together in just such away .... ON PURPOSE!!!
starting with past life memories.
from there born to parents who have a convenient sex life to lead me to sexual inadequacy. As I experinced that with women I was so scared to hurt them, when it turned out I was actually born with a penis that couldn't do much of anything.
My mom had told me to have sex before marriage to make sure nothing would go wrong. Dad told me little as to what a man should be, and the little he did say well...
"even veterans come out wearing lipstick" kool kieth
the idea that something can be so tough and scary that when faced by a man it turns him womanly. which is funny cause as a kid my nightmares scared me so much that I had to put my self in such a fantasy to feel comfort.
so are you seeing how these coincedences are strange and seem to be adding up to something?
from there I was born in a neighborhood that was conveniently located for me to have a dress up partner across the street. Don't you think its strange that I was conveniently located next to someone else who like the same thing? I mean its not that common. but anyways there's more.
so than I was taken to a baby sitters that I have vague memories of being dressed up by the girl and I apPARENTly came back home and yelled FUCK at the top of my lungs facing the direction of the babysitters.
3 different accounts between you me and my father of how I said the F word. That was my fathers.
but isn't it funny how there was no investigation?
and when I returned later you told me to forget about it that it was a lost cause.
funny huh?
suspicious as that we don't know what happened and we never really tried yet its something that could have affected by whole life circumstances.
but it continues to get stranger as we peek down the rabbit hole.
so then there was tape 2 conveniently located in the ceiling, rather than in your room or in the garbage. So then when found and you continued to try and hide it from me after being cught it some how didn't occur that I would go and ask Dad making life more complicated for us.
its funny how you remember things from far back. Every year we went to pike lake.
so its hard to say if this all happened for sure in the same moment in time, but I remember that one trip that on our way up to pike lake Dad and I see this hot ass on the side of the road that turned out to be a tranny. Once again an interesting coincidence. According to my memory I asked Dad both about transsexuals and different things but as well as about tape 2. I remember also at some other point in time asking an adult male in a car about transsexuals whom was eighter Dad or Pete, but at no time did anyone think it weird how I had such an interest in transsexuals. which is also strange.So this is a very condensed version of all the oddities on my path to womanhood.
So am I suggesting my family and neighbors along with babysitters have been conspiring to turn me trans? As Kris Wolfe once said "I think you were actually this fucked psychological experiment of your mothers"
no actually that does seem a little bit far fetched to suggest. but from all that happened it does seem strange doesn't it? can we conclude ANYTHING from these clues?
Here in this book of magick and understanding the universe and how thing manifest we find something called the Law of Correspondence that basically tells us that for everything that happens there is reactions on the other planes of existence. So now that you understand that watch this video.
and
problem reaction solution. Not all things that seem like problem are really problems, as everything is being set up by our thoughts. Anyone can control their thoughts; but mostly people let their thoughts control them. Most don't realize the difference between who they are and the thought forms that direct their decisions and their actions.
Sometimes the thoughtforms hold you back from your dreams as one might not be ready and sometimes they help guide one towards their dreams everything is set up.
Trent Nelson says that everything in life happens because it is a necessary part of the path
(coincidentally named Trent also)
So how come when ever I get close to getting a head shit fucks up?
"To see a computer in your dream, symbolizes technology, information, and modern life. New areas of opportunities are being opened to you." Quote from dreamdictionary.com
Alright so I'm looking and I'm looking for where I found that Quote about Feminine males today and how it links to Ascension and I can't find it and I have a total head ache Im just wanting to wrap up this blog already, I know it would help ty in this better so I guess we're going to have patience and maybe the final missing link will come but for now here is what I got.
So heres one more video.
So ya all these things, its good we're learning them. I'm going to keep learning and I gotto really get this stuff through to myself to get a head and let my past behind yada yada
